to run, or not to run? - Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Every single day, I'm forced to see it & feel this sadness within me. Every day I'm faced with overwhelming emotions of all kinds that lead straight into depression; each day I have to push past them & plaster that silly smile on my face for everyone around me to see. I sit here, forced to accept the fact that I'll never be loved in the same way that my parents love the both of them. I'm stuck here in this madness - feeling worthless. Each day I wonder where I went wrong; each day I ask myself why I turned out as such a failure. Why can't I be like those two? Their the perfect definition of dream kids, aren't they? Perfect grades, no big problems that need therapy, intelligent kids who mix with the right group of people, etc. Each day I do believe that they're just wondering, "what the hell went wrong with our last child?" God knows, I wonder what the hell went wrong with me too. Why wasn't I born...to be as smart as those two? Why wasn't I born...to have no issues? I believe, I was a mistake - am a mistake? WHATEVER. I'll never measure up to my brother or sister & I'll have to face that fact each and everyday. When I see the respect given from my parents to those two, I understand that that respect will never be given to me. When I see the love that they give those two, I know that I'll never be loved as much. When I see how well they treat them - I'll just never get that. IT'S TIME TO ACCEPT THE GODDAMN REALITY - you're never good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, etc. Call me emo, depressed, whatever the hell you want to say. I'm sick of having to plaster that fuckin smile on my face - I'M SICK OF CARING ABOUT WHAT OTHERS MAY THINK OF ME. I know that honestly, deep inside me, I STILL CARE. I really do care, as a matter of fact - but I just want to shut it out. I plan on shutting it out! I don't want to, I CAN'T, listen to what everyone's got to say. I'm tired of being judged & tired of trying to meet up to everyone else's expectations. It's tiring enough having to try to meet up to my parent's expectations, but I've finally given up on that too. So, tell me now: DO I RUN? I want to run - run away, far from home - far from my parents, my friends, and all that; JUST START OVER. Start over by myself, without the rest around, without people saying things about me, without the many that judge me. I've always wanted to run away, but I never dared. I never had it all planned out...and I still don't. I don't know where to run to...(suggestions, anyone?)I GIVE UP, YOU ALL WIN.
YOU MANAGED TO FULLY BREAK ME.
congratulations, a round of applause,
you all win...
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