do you know what's worth fighting for? - Wednesday, July 15, 2009
So it's back again, if you don't get what i mean by "it", just go read my previous entries.
all of that, it's crap - but somehow it gives me this sense of security - it tells me that i still have a problem, that i still need help. Something about being fine scares me, it's almost like i don't want to be fine. I can't be fine, because if i'm fine and anything goes wrong - IT MEANS THAT THE NORMAL ME HAS PROBLEMS. I don't want that, and I don't want to have to have to go through any difficulties if i'm supposedly "normal". To me, NORMAL, means perfection and if i can't be perfect, I DON'T WANT TO BE NORMAL
it makes no sense to me, nor does it make sense to others - i'm just confused & frustrated within myself. DO I WANT TO BE BETTER OR NOT? - it's so hard, i want to try harder...but i can't. I DON'T WANT TO FAIL - BUT I DO...it's just hard to keep trying & to keep going.
& fyi, talking about dieting in front of me - IT'S NOT HELPING. screaming & asking me why i hurt myself...it doesn't help either. I'm not at that stage where I can tell you why I do it OUT LOUD, I haven't figured it out entirely by myself...HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO EXPLAIN IT TO YOU IF I CAN'T EXPLAIN IT TO MYSELF? I know that you're concerned, but i swear to you that it's not helping - it causes more shame to me...and that might be one of the reasons why i do what i do - causes more guilt. ONE DAY? WHEN I DO FIGURE IT ALL OUT, I WILL TRY TO EXPLAIN. I'LL TRY TO GET PAST THAT GUILT & SHAME ... AND EXPLAIN.
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