i watch the walls around me crumble - Friday, April 17, 2009

I definitely need to learn to express my emotions (To the people who matter) a little better. I have absolutely no problem just blogging about it...on & on, but when someone comes up to me asking why I may be upset with them or anything along those lines, I realize that I can't express how I feel...TO THEM. To be honest, the best answer I would ever be able to give them would be to read this blog; they would/should get it entirely...HOPEFULLY?

Why the sudden thought? My answer: THIS MORNING.

I was asked why I was upset with a certain someone, by that certain someone. In some ways, I did have my whole plan of avoiding him, but I started thinking that he should know exactly how I felt and the reasons for the cold shoulder he might be receiving from me. Thing is, I didn't exactly know how to explain/express it to him - I just may have been a little afraid.

So, here goes:

I'm upset because I feel as if you're pretty much using me. I feel as if you do not care one bit about me, I feel as if you take this entire situation as if it were a joke, and I don't want - neither do I need that in my life. I've just had it happen to me too many times; guys that will be there in one second, and leave the next. It's as if you don't realize how much someone will hurt when you do that. Maybe you'll think that you're basically being punished for someone else's mistakes, maybe someone whom I may have had feelings for before you. That could be true - maybe I have problems with you because I've been hurt so much before or anything that may have to do with that. As much as one might wish that that was why I can't trust you, I know that deep inside of me, I don't & never will trust you, and that has to do with you & I - NOT anyone else. I will always think that I don't matter to you, I will always believe that you think of me as a joke. I will never know the answer to that statement, only you will. If you are, then PLEASE leave me alone - it's unecessary to hurt someone in that matter, it is inhumane. If you aren't, then I am sorry for perceiving everything that you have done in the wrong manner. To tell the truth, I don't think that I'm wrong in this situation, because you don't seem to be concerned about me in any way. You don't bother trying to contact me, you don't reply properly whenever I ask you if you truly do care. Sure, your phone's broken or whatever - OKAY, I BELIEVE THAT. What about other times (WHEN YOUR PHONE WAS FINE)...when I would ask you if you really did like me - YOU WOULD NEVER/ COULD NEVER/ JUST DID NOT RESPOND TO THAT QUESTION PROPERLY, and I'm sorry - but people lose my trust VERY EASILY. Yes, maybe I'm overreacting - then again, maybe every single thing I've said is right. One more thing, what you did RIGHT AFTER I LEFT? That doesn't help the trust issue either. I know it happened in the past, and I know it should stay in the past, but you should always know - I'll forgive...but I won't forget.

sorry for the depressing/angered post?

update soon :)