it's the world around me-it's falling apart, or maybe, i'm just falling apart. - Friday, March 6, 2009

So, I'm not really going to bother with who reads this, or who will find about this. It doesn't matter to me, I just hope people will learn from it & understand that this is something you'll never want for yourself. So, hmm...I have an eating disorder; have had it for awhile, but it's getting worse now. No, I'm not at the point where I'm going to get hospitalized, but it is a problem, and it's affecting me & all I want is to get better. I need help for it, and I AM GETTING HELP FOR IT. I pray that I'll get better, I pray that God will help me through this mess. My unstable emotions, my stress, my paranoia, my anxiety about everything, basically drove me to this. It's how I deal with my stress levels, it's how I deal with being upset, it's basically a drug to me at times; as scary as that sounds. I don't even know what I'm doing-I've lost myself, I don't even know what I want anymore. I'm cranky, I'm bitchy, I'm upset, I'm depressed - When I'm mad at myself, my eating disorder is my way of hurting myself. People cut themselves, People find other ways to hurt themselves, People beat themselves up mentally - I starve myself, I force myself to exercise til I think I might faint. This isn't something I do everyday, if not I'm pretty sure I'd be in the hospital right now. I have my days when I eat normally again, then whenever I'm too stressed, whenever my self confidence goes low as hell, ect...-i go again, i start again. I DON'T WANT TO, but sometimes I think my parents will only care if i have this problem, I see this as a way of getting control of my life - I see this as a way of getting what I want. I know it's wrong; why do you think I'm trying to get help? So, don't look at me, wishing that you were as skinny as me, wishing you had control like me. I'm nothing to be jealous of - I just really hope no one ever turns out the way that I have.

anyway, school as alright today. Socials teacher was um annoying. Mandarin was actually fun (= cause we just had to "review". Science, blah blah blah I'm behind? =) considering that i skipped yesterday. P.E. - SOCCER IS FUN! :) After school, I went to an information meeting about the e.d. program I'm going into, I hope I'll stick to it & recover! =) Now, I'm plain tired.