how do i deal? - Friday, January 23, 2009
I just don't get how anyone can deal with a problem like this?
how do you deal with knowing that there's something
severely wrong with you, that you're in need of help,
but some parts of you just don't want that help.
I don't understand why I do what I do.
Why would anyone want to throw up their own food after eating?
Why would anyone find the need to starve themselves?
I know that I've got a problem, I am seeking help.
But what happens if a part of me doesn't want that help?
HOW AM I SUPPOSE TO GET BETTER?
I'm scared, I used to think I was in control; Now I know that I'm not.
It's not as bad as the people who are hospitalized, but what happens if that turns out to be as bad as that? THEN WHAT DO I TO? Why do I do this to myself? Why do I insist on hurting my own body? I don't understand. What does it do for me? RELIEVE MY STRESS? TAKE MY ANGER OUT ON MYSELF? What is the use of that? How can anyone get past this? What if it's stuck with me for the rest of my life? What happens if I can't stop? It's unhealthy, I know that. It scares me, because I know that I want to stop, and yet I know I don't either.
THAT SCARES ME.
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